Mechanical Engineers build weapons,
Civil Engineers build targets.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

If a barber makes a mistake,

It's a new style......



If a driver makes a mistake,

It is an accident......



If a doctor makes a mistake,

It's an operation...
...


If a engineer makes a mistake,

It is a new venture......



If parents makes a mistake,

It is a new generation......



If a politician makes a mistake,

It is a new law......



If a scientist makes a mistake,

It is a new invention......



If a tailor makes a mistake,

It is a new fashion......



If a teacher makes a mistake,

It is a new theory...



If our boss makes a mistake,

It is our mistake......



If an employee makes a mistake,

It is a "MISTAKE"
...

(When you join the project) -
"Please don't hesitate to come to me any time for any technical or
domain help"


(When you go to him for help) -
"You can find it out man.... Can't you?
Search in the books, and try to find it out yourself."


(When you 'try to find it out yourself') -
"You can't waste time like this. You should've come to me for help. We
have to deliver .Come to my place"


(When you go to him for help, again) -
"Don't make any changes in the code now. Come up with a document for
impact analysis by lunch"


(When you go to him Just before lunch) -
"So, what have you done since morning? This document? Shall we deliver
this? How many lines of coding did you do?............. See, this is
not the way we should work"


(When you go to him 1 hr after lunch, with a small amount of coding
-that's all what's necessary ) -
"Only this much of coding since morning!!!" (Probably, you could've
added the lyrics of a Hindi song in your code to make it look healthy).
"Change here, ......... change there, ............. Add
here,................ Modify there . Do it NOW"



(When you go to him with the changes suggested by him) -
"Who asked you to do these? Everything's wrong here. See, this is not
the way we should work..............."



(Every 10 minutes) -
"So? What's the status??

-----Hmmmm....... That's Life .... Get on.....Keep working.........

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more than human--it's downright natural.
He who laughs last probably made a backup.
If at first you don't succeed, blame your computer.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you wan

They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, stabbing others in their backs and pushing their luck!

1).The lecturers dont teach.The students dont study.The only guy who benefits is the one who owns the 'dhaba' next to the college.
2).Rules are made to be broken.
3).Promises are made to be broken.
4).Deadlines are made to be extended...ALWAYS!
5).Guys always think the chics in the college next lane are more beautiful.
The geeks are the most pampered lot during the internal exams.
6).The lab assistants are the most respected people(during the lab exams i.e)
7).The watchmen are the people most bribed.
Cool.The HOD is the person most respected(heights of sycophancy here).
9).The principal is the person most abused and insulted(behind the back i.e)
10).Dropping subjects is 'cool'.(arre yaar..drop the idea of dropping subjects plzz).
11).There is always a lecturer in the college who cant speak proper 'english'.
12).Night-out is the second most important tool to ace the exams.
13).All time u will be in debate with students of other branch as their branch is d BEST.

Allah ke naam pe ek girl friend de de baba
Doosre ki nahi to apni he de de baba
Allah tujhe ek ke badle do dega
Hillary hogi to Monika bhi dega

In the specifications, they set out that they will accept only three defective parts per 10,000.

When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter.

"We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment in a separate packaging clearly mentioned ' defective pieces as required, not for use'. Hope this pleases you."

Your Colleague : Hey!! Kya yahan baitha mail forward karta rahta hai yaar !! Naye packages dekh.... Naye language seekh. Night out Maar....Fundoo programming kar like me...! Do something cool man !!

You : Achha! To usse Kya hoga ..

Your Colleague : Impression!!! Appraisal !!! Har appraisal main tu No 1! Hike in salary !! Extra Stocks

You : Phir kya hoga...

Your Colleague : Project Leader ban jaayega..Phir Project Manager !!! Phir Business Manager ! One day U will be a Director of the Company man !!

You : Acchha to phir kya hoga...

Your Colleague : Abe phir tu aish karega! Koi kaam nahin karna padega ! Araam se office aayega aur MAIL check karega.

You : To ab main kya kar raha hoon?

"Dikhawe pe na jao, apni akal lagao.
Programming hai waste, trust only copy-paste "

Powered by ctrl+C

Driven by ctrl+V

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then
bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
..
.
.
.
2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes
to inquire how it's going. That helps.
.
.
..
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3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
.
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4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open
the door for me. I need to learn how to perform miracles routinely and
opening doors with my teeth is excellent training.
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..
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5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the
priority. Let me guess.
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6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do.
.
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.
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7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.
Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.
.
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8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be
popular in conversation.
.
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9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If
fact, save them until the job is almost done.
.
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10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them
later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
.
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11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really
change your life.
.
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.
.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice
to know someone is less fortunate.

Hi good morning Sweetheart,

I`ve seen you yesterday while surfing on the local
train platform and realized that you are the only site
I was browsing for. For a long time I`ve been lonely;
this has been the bug in my life and you can be a real
debugger for me now.

My life is an uncompiled program without you, which
never produces an executable code and hence is
useless. You are not only beautiful by face but all
your ActiveX controls are attractive as well.

Your smile is so delightful; it encourages me and
gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes
processing power.

When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my
program modules are running smoothly and giving
expected results. /*which I never experienced
before.*/

With this letter, I just want to convey to you that if
we are linked together, I'll provide you all objects &
libraries necessary for a human being to live an error
free life. Also don`t bother about the firewall which
may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking
capabilities by which I`ll ultimately break their
security passwords and make them agree for our
marriage. I anticipate that nobody has already logged
in to your database so that my connect script will
fail. And it's all but certain that if this happened
to me, my system will crash beyond recovery. Kindly
interpret this letter properly and grant me all
privileges of your inbox. Error free..

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A will go from8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.

LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

1.) U use phrases like "No issues" and "Value addition" in everyday parlance. For e.g. When talking about your doodhwalla, U say, "His milk does zero value addition to my health but he is the only guy around so no issues"


2.) Ur prime source of entertainment is the forwards send to U by friends whose faces U cant remember.


3.) U drink more tea or coffee than water.


4.) U keep trying to shut down ur home computer by pressing Ctrl+Alt+Del (used to lock office comps)


5.) When ur mobile rings at home, U rush outside to receive thecall.


6.) When U make calls at home, U accidentally dial "0"to get an outside line.


7.) U haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.


8.) Ur last crush was a girl in HR, ur current crush is the new girl in HR and all ur crushes in the future willbe girls in HR.


9.) U spend the entire day reading forwards, smoking cigarettes, drinking tea/coffee and playing T.T. and then complain about the late working hours.


10.) Ur important 'meetings' usually comprise two or three people max, including yourself.


11) U secretly prepare for CAT only to find ur PL sitting behind you at the exam.


12.) U keep pressing Ctrl+Enter wondering why your gmail is not going.


13.) U email ur mate who works at the desk next to U.

Properties of Sardar

Scary Santa